When "Work-Life Balance" Really Just Means You Suck at Both

Things are going pretty smoothly for Trey and me today.  He slept late, did lots of playing, had a nice lunch, and is now watching Blue's Clues while I write.  I had a super-productive morning of work, and even managed to whip up a batch of oatmeal raisin muffins.  As I type this, their delicious aroma is filling the entire house.  If the place weren't so messy, we'd be the picture of domestic bliss.

It's a nice change of pace.  Because, to be completely honest, things are rarely this calm around here. In fact, this past Friday morning, they were downright insane.

I was in the middle of a teleconference with my boss when Trey woke up screaming - a rarity for my sweet baby, who usually just calls for me until I come.  I tried to bring him out to my meeting, which is what we typically do, but Trey wanted no parts of it.  I suggested he get in bed with his Poppy and watch Blue's Clues.  No.  I offered him one of his favorite breakfast cookies.  No.  He wanted me to snuggle up in bed and nurse him.

I told my boss I would call him back, and settled in to nurse Trey.  But I freely admit that I wasn't fully present with my son in those moments.  I didn't give him my full attention.  I was thinking about how long it would take to get back to my boss, and whether he would be frustrated with my inability to ever complete an entire meeting without interruption.  And I was simultaneously wracked with guilt for thinking about work when I should have been focused on Trey.

In other words, I felt like both a bad mom and a bad employee, all at the same time - because, heck, in that moment I was doing both my jobs poorly.

I wish I could say this story comes with a pretty little life lesson tacked on at the end.  It doesn't.  I haven't learned anything important about my work-life balance, or my priorities, or living in the present, or taking things in stride.  I continue to struggle with guilt over my dual roles, and to be constantly afraid that my diverted attention is scarring Trey for life.  Oh, yes, and to worry that I'll lose my job because I can never really take off my "mom hat."

Fortunately, there are plenty of reasonably tidy days like today interspersed with the crazy ones - just enough to remind me that I can do this.  Because, when all is said and done, I don't want a job outside the home, even for a few hours a week.  Nor do I want to stop working entirely; I happen to really, really like my job (also, the money).  Being able to care for Trey without completely neglecting my career is an awesome opportunity. 

So I suppose there is a moral to my story, albeit a rather weak one: just keep swimming.  Some days will be awesome, some tolerable, and some will be nightmarishly difficult.  But at the end of the day, the rewards are usually worth the struggle.  Maybe.

What does your work-life balance look like?